Been gone for far too long...

...and it's all my fault. But I will be back, just working on some crafting projects for an upcoming fair!


  TGIF and Have a Great Weekend!

I am one of THOSE mothers...

Selfish.

    Lazy.

Self-centered.

      Horrible.

  Damaging.

Bad.


   Yes, these are all terms I have heard used for mothers like myself. Mothers who decided not to breastfeed without a, what others have deemed, valid reason not to.

   My story is not one of a heartbroken woman struggling to get her precious newborn to latch on to her breast to be fed, or of a mother crying in the corner while waiting for her milk to come in. My story is - I just didn't want to.

   My mother didn't breastfeed, and I'm pretty sure my grandmother didn't either, so some people might blame that. No good examples or role models to look up to. Others would say it was selfishness because I wanted to eat and drink what I wanted to after my daughter was born. And I guess I could also try, in self defense, to use my anxiety, OCD and PPD as an excuse since it's because of all those issues that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room as my daughter for those horrible couple of months.

   But no, let's be honest - I just didn't want to. It was not even something I thought of during those 9 months of pregnancy (except for when those nosey bastards at the health department tried to make me feel bad for my decision).  And I'm not going to defend my decision anymore either. I'm not ashamed nor do I regret the choice not to breastfeed, but I'm not going to waste my time on petty, cold-hearted, judgemental bitches who feel it is their place to decide who's a better mother and why. Some people may graduate from high school but never completely leave.

   Plus, I'm finally ejoying the little girl that I gave birth to. Don't those people have better things to do?

Houston, we have a baby in the crib

  



That's right ladies and gentlemen, little Miss Rayne is sleeping in her crib tonight and I put her there - all. by. myself. Cheers to small victories! Good night!

My little pill box

   I feel like a senior citizen. No, really.

   I've got one of those 7-day pill box organizers for AM and PM doses, and it's full of medication. I just recently (as in today recently) added a multi-vitamin to the mix to help with the weight loss. Not sure if it will work but it can't hurt.

   As for the Anafranil, it feels like it's working. I haven't done much obsessing since starting it. Come to think of it I haven't done any obsessing. I've even tried to get myself to that point and it doesn't work. Hasn't helpe dmuch with the twitching but I figured that was a long shot to begin with.

  Short post today - too busy chasing Rayne around the kitchen. We got he ra sit-to-stand walker toy and she's been cruisding ever since. Gods help us when she actually starts to walk!

  

Weight Loss Challenge

  I would definitely not win the biggest loser.

  I've let myself go over the past month or so. I was doing SO well then all the medication changes hit and we moved and I started getting myself busy with all the stuff I'm trying to do....

   But enough with excuses. We went to Cici's Pizza tonight (bad, I know) and my shorts were riding up in the front because my thighs touch and rub together when I walk. That shouldn't happen! I used to be fit! I was a skinny minny for a LONG time, but I'm not even asking to be that thin again, just fit and healthy.

   David (my hubby - can't remember if I've ever given his name before...) keeps telling me not to be too hard on myself because I have been going through a lot and it's tough on the body. I've been easy on myself or too long and it's showing. It's even more important now because a side effect of the anafranil is weight gain so I now have double the worry. I don't want to become obese because of some medication. It's not like I can't stop the medication if that does happen, but I don't want to start off any further behind.

   I joined myfitnesspal.com so we'll see how it goes. DAyers723 is my username, look me up if you're on there!

Therapy Thursday

   Let's just dive right in, shall we? Though I don't think there's too much this week...

   - My daughter's teeth. 2 of them popped through almost 2 weeks ago and they're wreaking havoc on her little body. She's always hot, running a slight fever, and exploding out of her diaper every time she naps. I've had to bathe her twice a day for the past four days!

   - My mother-in-law on the 4th of July. They were going to a cookout at a friend's house and wanted to know if we wanted to come. We said no because we don't know or like any of their friends. Then she bugged us about fireworks. Sorry, but Rayne can't stand the sound of me dropping a fork in the sink let alone fireworks right now.

   - The upcoming Pagan Pride festival. I keep having these nagging thoughts that everything I've made is shit and won't sell and people are going to make comments about me while I'm there. It's annoying.

   - The fact that my husband and I are in debt. I know we always will be, but I'll always hate it.

 Like I said, not too much, but enough to count.

A is for Awesome

   I feel like such a little kid, but my husband told me he was proud of me yesterday and I glowed like the sun.

   He was telling me that the big boss at his job was telling his foreman that he was looking into pulling them off their current construction job to go to Myrtle Beach for two weeks to do a job down there. My husband, being the awesome man that he is, stepped right up and immediately said that he wasn't going to be able to do it. His exact words to me were "There's just no way I could do that to you. Not now, when you're doing so good and have been for a while and you're enjoying Rayne. You're doing so good and I'm so proud of you, I really am."

   It means alot because sometimes I can still feel myself slipping. And now, little Miss Rayne is teething (she had two pop through last weekend while we were visiting my mother) which is driving me to the brink with the random crying and constant fussiness. I feel like I've changed - I feel like a mother now and not a caretaker just responsible for a little girl and it's nice to have someone else notice it.

   Maybe I'll reward him tonight with something nice...  ;)  Night all!

Babies are supposed to be chubby!

   What do people not understand about this? No, you don't want them fat at 2 years old but have people not heard of "baby fat" and that it does go away?

   Rayne and I were in Walmart today, getting my new prescription and some other things when the man behind the pharmacy counter leaned over and started talking to her. Not a big deal. Then I hear, "You're going to be a big girl". Okay... that can be taken one of two different ways so I tried taking it the good way - that she was going to grow up and be a big girl. No harm. Then as we were leaving...

   "You're going to have to get her to do some exercises..."

   She's 9 months old you old fart! (9 months old today to be exact and we had just left her 9 month check up where they said she looked good. She even gained 2 inches in length!)  Comments like this don't upset me like they used to - I would have been reduced to tears once we got home about 4 months ago - but they annoy me more than anything. No, not all babies have to be chubby, mine just is. And she's beautiful that way, chubby cheeks and all!

Therapy Thursday

  So I'm blogging twice today {hooray!} because I'm thinking of starting a weekly thing on Thursdays called "Therapy Thursday" which will pretty much be a mini-rant of everything that's bugged me for the week. Let's start:


        ~ The asshole that just squealed his tires down the road of our neighborhood and probably woke up
           my daughter from her nap. I could cut a bitch.

       ~ My daughter cutting two teeth. She already didn't sleep well as it was without the teeth and now
          we have to add annoying agonizing pain to the deal?!

       ~ The fact that I don't have a house. I want an actual garden, people, not just plants in ceramic pots!

       ~ My mother and her incessant phone calls yesterday about my car, WHILE I'm trying to put Rayne
          down for a nap. See #2.

  That's about all for now. Till next Thursday!

Anafranil and my Birthday Disaster

  I turned 26 on Tuesday - yay me.  :) It was a disaster.

                                          


   Well, not completely, but I did spend most of the day driving around town to get to my doctor's appointment then spent the rest of it sitting in my car as it sat dead on the side of the road with (what I had hoped) was just a dead battery but turned into an $800 bill for both a battery and an alternator.
 
   Happy Birthday to me.

   However, the hubby was home that day with Rayne, taking care of her, doing the dishes, cleaning up and ordering Domino's for dinner since, by the time I got home, I was in absolutely no mood to go out to eat and just wanted to curl up and sleep. I give him a ration of shit alot of the time but ladies, I did get one of the good ones.

    As for my doctors appointment, I want different drugs and my doctor won't give them to me. (No I'm not an addict, geez...) ;P   My therapist and I were talking about a drug called Luvox which is prescribed for OCD and is also said to help with tourette's syndrome which we both believe I may have though I still need to see a neurologist to be sure. So I went in and asked him about it and what does he do? Gives me something else. (grrr...) It's still used for OCD, the first line of defense he says, but it's not what we were reading about. Will it help with my ticks? I sure as hell hope so because I look like a moron with the left side of my face twitching and my eyelids fluttering every 2 seconds. At this point, I'm desperate for anything to work just short of my own personal shock therapy.

                                                       

Midnight rock-and-walks

  I put Rayne down for bed tonight (and still in her crib - go us!) and as she fell asleep and cuddled into me I was reminded of how she got her nickname Ladybug. As a newborn we were able to get her to fall asleep on our shoulders, all snuggled up in her blanket. She resembled a ladybug perched up there and it stuck with us.

    Tonight I missed that. Especially the middle of the night feedings. Which is weird to say now that I'm thinking about it - who misses not sleeping?! lol  But I do. The cuddling in the middle of the night, the extra 30 minutes I had to hold her upright because of her reflux, the way her head seemed to fit just perfectly onto my shoulder as she slept.... She's growing up. I've listened to people say it time and time again over her short 8 1/2 months but it's true. She's getting so big, so fast and it's crazy to think of where we've come from.

    I miss our midnight rock-and-walks, but maybe she does too.  :)

No idle hands here!

   I've got quite a bit going on in our household as of late:

• Blogging here
• Blogging at my other site By Land, Sky & Sea
• *Attempting* to write my book (which has 4 Chapters already)
• Sewing my bags, cloaks, etc. for the Central North Carolina Pagan Pride Days in September
• School (I picked my studies back up with Penn Foster College for Veterinary Technician)
• Researching more for my BoS
• Trying to find more information about domestic/kitchen witchcraft

   So needless to say, I am and will be busy over the next few months! But it's a good thing I'm told by my therapist today. It actually helps with my OCD; keeping my mind busy and focused on something else besides fixating and driving myself crazy. The last thing I went majorly crazy over was a house. I really would love to stop renting and finally own our own home and it hit me that if my husband and I were going to go car shopping this summer, because our credit and finances were better, why not just find a house instead? But I was hit with this intense need to go out and find a house right then and there. I even called my husband and told him he had to take off work so we could go look at houses - and this was in a period of 3 days!

   We'll see if this strategy works. If not, well at least I won't be bored!

From caretaker to mother

  I was just thinking in the bathroom tonight (because I always do my best thinking in there - TMI? Sorry...) about the sudden, or rather not so sudden, change in how I feel about Rayne being hurt.

   I used to be the one that hurt her, and the worst part was I didn't care. She could be crying, screaming, throwing up from being so upset and I would just keep yelling and making it worse until I was shaking with fury and unable to control myself. Now, she takes a head dive into the floor or the nightstand in our room and I scoop her up instantly and smother her in calming kisses and some soothing words.

   I love her laugh, especially the belly laughs where her entire body bounces up and down and her chubby cheeks jiggle. I love her toothless grin and her long fingers and toes that she gets from me. I find her hilarious when she's trying to do something new or reach something and she can't so she gets frustrated and yells as she squints her eyes (something else she also got from me...)  :)

   I'm finally feeling like a mother to my daughter and it's about damn time.

09/30/2010

"A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future"

The Image of Motherhood

  I was in tears the other night over Rayne.

  No she wasn't hurt, or sick, or pulling my hair out like she violently likes to do - she wouldn't sleep in her crib.

  This has been an issue for as long as she's been alive. She was diagnosed with GERD around 3 weeks old which meant 3-4 months of her sleeping in her swing and then her car seat before we finally got her in her crib around 5 months old. And we were doing great until we moved then it was back in the swing again. So we decided to try the crib again over the past few weeks and she's been in it the last 3 nights I am proud to say.

   My husband asks why it bothers me so much. I get so anxious to the point of getting sick when we have to put her down for the night. For me, there's this image of motherhood in my mind and of how things are supposed to go. The baby cries, you feed her, she stops. She cries, you change her, she stops. She falls asleep in her crib every night. All of this I know, logically, doesn't always happen perfectly, but emotionally it just throws me for a loop. I just want her to be normal and fall into that natural routine that every other mother seems to have established.

  You'd think that by now, at eight, almost nine. months old I would have learned to let go of that. She's her own normal and I've got to learn to embrace it.

No boob for you!

  At least that's what I'll say to the next baby. :)

   I finally got back in to therapy on Wednesday and breastfeeding our next baby is a subject I brought up. I didn't do it with Rayne but wanted to try it with our next child, but that was until my husband brought up how I'll need to go back on meds as soon as possible. So I asked my therapist and she agreed - it's just out of the question. Which isn't a big deal - I'm not one of those moms whose life is going to end just because I can't nurse my kid; I just wanted to try it. Maybe I can do it for the few days I'm in the hospital after giving birth then start back on the meds...

   She also suggested a new medication. We brought up how I'm still having some bad days and the obsessing has gotten much, much worse. She told me Luvox might be something to try. I looked it up online and it's given to help with OCD and sometimes social anxiety disorder as well. She also told me it's one of the medications prescribed for tourette's, which we think I might also have because of my horrible twitching. I'm excited. I made an earlier appointment with the doctor to see if I could get put on the Luvox immediately. Coming off the Celexa might suck though and the first week of the Luvox can be total hell I've been told so my husband might have to take off work again. Oh, well, hell for me, vacation for him. :)

A New Direction

    Today has been a pretty productive day. (I actually wrote productful first...is that even a word? My brain is mush right now...)

   First we worked out. I say we because I did Zumba, while Rayne crawled in and out of my legs causing me to look more like I was having a seizure at some points rather than dancing. But at least we were moving!

  I finished a chapter in my book. Yes, I think I'm going to start calling it a book rather than "I'm just writing". I even looked up a few sites on publishing your own book and filled out a questionaire to have someone call me about it. Guess what? They did! Only...I didn't pick up the phone. I haven't even finished a few chapters let alone the whole thing. I was just curious as to what was out there.

  I'm making an altar which is my next project once Rayne goes down for her afternoon nap. I'm a Celtic Pagan and wanted to have a small space to go where I can focus and pray when I need to and decided to make one. It's still in the rough stages but here's some pics:

This will be the top. I burned the image of a tree of life I found online in the center and it's all stained in a light pecan color.

This is what the top will rest on once I glue it all together. The symbols are Triquerta's (some people might know them from Charmed but they don't originate there) I call them trinity knots and in Catholic faith they represent the Holy Trinity. (Sorry for the mini lesson there...)  :)

  As for the title of my post, we have changed gears here in our household. For the past couple of months it was decided that my husband would be joining the Army so he could get the hell out of his current construction job and move onto something better - and to help out our finances. But it's not really what either of us want. His first choice was Air Force but they denied him because of his tattoos so his next stop was the Army recruiter. He doesn't want to be away from Rayne and I, especially with her being our first and he doesn't want to miss anything. With all of my issues I would definitely like him to be home anyway.

  Plus, our dreams lie somewhere else. We want more kids and I don't want to work around deployments, school, etc. to do that. He wants to open up a card shop someday. I was going to school for Veterinary Technology but stopped when my problems with the PPD got too extreme.

   So we're picking up where we dropped off. I'm going back to school so eventually I can go back to work and he can stay home with Rayne (and any future kids we have) while he tries to get his business off the ground and we all live happily, ever after. At least, that's the plan.

  Oh, and for shits and giggles, here's a pic of Rayne during her first time at the beach. We got a few smiles, but I don't think she was too sure on the waves.  :)

I would die for this little girl, I really would.

Wanna see my name in print

   I want to write a book.


   I bought "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields about two months ago and loved it. I even highlighted some favorite parts that helped to explain what I was feeling in better words than I ever could.

  My problem is, I'm not a great writer. I can write and put a story together and make it make sense, but I don't have the flourish that other people do. I put too much detail or not enough. Sometimes it doesn't flow as well as it could. Nonetheless, I still want to write a book. I even have a title

"And We All Fall Down"

or maybe

"And We All Fall Down: A Family's Journey through Post Partum Depression"

We'll see.

Remember Me

   I just got done watching Oprah and she ended today's show with the final message of a mother who lost her battle to breast cancer.

   This woman, as she was dying, began recording tapes and videos of messages to her daughter for all of the future milestones she would miss with her. I couldn't help but cry as I thought of what this woman was feeling as she was saying good-bye to her daughter in this incredible way. I want to give Rayne something like that but I don't want to be dying in order to do it.


   So I decided to make a box of letters for her. I'll make a trip to Michael's for a plain. wodden box and decorate it (most likely with ladybugs) then on every birthday until....well, whenever I decide to stop, I'll write her a letter and put it inside. I'll probably give it to her when she's 18 or graduates - something like that. Not too sure yet, I'm still hashing out the details.

   Maybe I'm being too sentimental and she won't even want it, but we'll see.

Letting off some steam...

   Can I complain for a minute?

   Okay, maybe longer...


   I don't think my husband realizes just how good he's got it here. That's not to say I don't give him my fair ration of shit because I have, I can, and I do. But really, he's got it made.

   He goes to work for 11-12 hours a day. Yes, it's hard work and yes I appreciate him doing so but that's 11-12 hours he's not dealing with shitty diapers, vomit all over the floor, screaming and crying and just all around fussiness. He gets a break from our daughter - I get none.
 
   If he feels sick at work he has the option of calling out or leaving early and coming home to rest. I don't. I have to wait until he gets home and hope he feels well enough to help out so I can have 5 minutes to pee in peace.

   He leaves dishes in the sink at night when he goes to bed and they're done by the time he gets home in the evenings only to turn around and leave them in the sink again. (All while telling me he'll do them in the morning before he goes to work...doesn't always happen)

   I don't even remember the last time he did laundry. Which isn't a huge deal because I actually like doing laundry. But is it too much to ask a grown man to put the damn pile away? Stacking it on top of your bureau does not count fucker! They're already folded, put them in the damn drawers and be done with it!

  I make dinner most nights, lately it's been every night. If I don't make anything we'll grab something while we're out.

  I bathe and change our daughter every night. I started this to help her settle into a bedtime routine and it works pretty well for her. Once again would it kill him to give her a bath? "All you have to do is ask me to do it..." he replies. Just ONCE I would like for him to offer to do it. Why is it men must always be asked? I do the same thing every night and have been for the past 3 months or so - it's not a surprise!

   I vacuum, I dust, I organize, I go food shopping, I make sure the bills are paid (and most of the time on time), I call people for his matters while he's at work because he never has time - I do a lot of shit around here. And he does appreciate it and he's told me so before.


   But now I'd like some actual help. And not the kind that lasts a couple of days before disappearing.

Baby Brain

  I hate being told that I can't do something. Whether it's from my parents, friends, my husband, myself....I can't stand being told I can't do something.


   Which is why it sucked being told in therapy today that having Baby #2 will have to wait at least a year.


   That's right, a year. I went in for therapy today after an unintentional 3-week hiatus and told my therapist that I was having baby brain already, even with all my problems. She looked at me and smiled - and I knew that smile, the one that meant something I didn't like was coming - and told me gently it was probably not a good idea to do it now. She said with the medication I'm on, there's an 85% chance of relapse coming off of it. On top of that I was so severe when I started seeing her that I will also definitely have to go in for regular therapy the entire time I'm pregnant since I will need all the extra help I can get so I don't go back to how I was. She also suggested that we time the pregnancy around my husband not being deployed and me being on my own and having me be with my mother if he is away.


   She also admitted to me that they (herself and the doctor I see for my medication checks) went out on a limb for me. I was having some pretty dark thoughts and actions for a while there which resulted in a pretty shaky doctor's visit where I was told if my baby was in danger they would have to file a report. I held back my sobs on that visit purely by luck. My therapist told me if I had been in any other clinic in town, a report would have already been filed and I probably wouldn't have been able to be alone with my daughter as a result. She said this clinic would rather work with people - she gave me an example of another clinic that hospitalizes about 400 people a month compared to the 2 that mine might. 400?! I was floored.


   But I am also very appreciative. She let me know that they were worried about me for a while but kept a close eye on me and with my husband coming in pretty regularly during that time and being so adamant that nothing would happen and also taking so much time off of work so he could be with us, they decided to trust me. I will never be able to thank them enough for that trust and for what they have done for me so far and continue to do.

Happy Mother's Day

   I've officially joined the club - motherhood.  :)


   My first Mother's Day could not have been sweeter. I woke up this morning to a grinning husband who excitedly grabbed my hand and ran me to the kitchen. Waiting there was a huge card (the kind that would take 30 stamps to send) and a make-up bag assortment from him and a smaller card and bouquet of carnations "from" our daughter. (It was so cute how he worded everything too). He kissed and hugged me and wished me a Happy Mother's Day before he went off to wake up Rayne. (There was sex also... Mother's Day sex is pretty good let me tell you...)


    Later we went out for lunch at Red Robin (10 minute wait and no mother-in-law... YAY!) then to Wal-Mart and Lowe's so I could finish getting all the spring flowers and herbs I've been wanting. We came home and I planted everything while my husband sat outside with me and goofed around.


  I could not have asked for a more relaxing day or a more wonderful husband. He truly made this the greatest first Mother's Day.

First Time Mom

  This Mother's Day will be my first as an official mom. Last year I was still pregnant with Rayne so 2011 marks my first.


   Is it to much to ask to have a drama-free Mother's Day?




   Because I know it won't be. Yes, I am referring, once again, to my mother-in-law. The one who, no doubt, will throw a shit fit and a guilt trip once she figures out that my husband will not be spending "her" beloved holiday with her and instead spending it with me (and possibly adding some flowers in there too)  :)


  She is of the mind that every holiday should still include us visiting her house and spending hours upon hours there talking and visiting, etc. Which was nice...when we didn't have a baby. Now that we are a family of three, we would like to start spending our holidays together and beginning our own traditions.


   Don't get me wrong - I have a mother too. And I love her very much and intend to give her a call on Mother's Day and wish her the best and talk and catch up like we always do. But she understands that when my husband and I got married, he (and then later my daughter) became my immediate family. My mother-in-law on the other hand, still believes her only child should still dote on and take care of her like he's still living at home.




    Well, I'm sorry to tell you, you manipulative pain in the ass, but you're taking a back seat now. In the words of fellow BBC Dealing With the In-Laws members:

"The woman who blows you, trumps the one who birthed you"

I have a doctor's note...

   Or at least I'm going to get one for my mother-in-law that says to stay the hell away from me.

   She just doesn't get it. I understand it was just her and my husband when he was growing up so they were really close but she has got to learn to let go. He has my daughter and I now - we are his family. Holidays are going to be spent at home now, just the 3 of us. There is no need to see our daughter every weekend. She will not die from not seeing her grandparents.


   She calls and texts every weekend, "What are you guys doing today?". We know why she's calling so just come out and say it so we can say no! I'm sorry she's got no life and she relies on us to keep her entertained but we're not her friends or babysitter. It's not our fault her husband goes off and races every other weekend, leaving her home alone. She married him knowing what he was like.


   I brought this up about two weeks ago in therapy, telling my doctor that I needed a break from them. She said it sounded like a good idea. Just like I need a break from Rayne sometimes, it's good to get away from them and spend time with my family. But I think I'll get a doctors note taht specifically says to stay the hell away for my health..... and hers.

Sleep begets sleep

   So I'm thinking little Miss Rayne might actually be falling into a schedule. Nevermind the fact that she's still sleeping in her swing and has been for about 3 weeks (which still bugs me) but I can get one nap out of her in the morning and one in the afternoon for about an hour each.  Which means a little exercise for me and possibly a nap since my latest medication switch is kicking my ass. I am now up to 80mg a day of Celexa, still on Saphris though I'm running out, and the newest addition is Xanax.

   I've been obessing over my weight lately and it's bugging the crap out of me. I don't look horrible, but I was doing great at losing the extra baby weight then I gained it all back. My wonderful husband told me I had gone through alot in the past couple of weeks and switched medication 2 or 3 different times, so I couldn't be to hard on myself. But it's tough...between anxiety and the ppd and whatever else they think is going on with me I try not to stress but I think it's just in my DNA.    :)

   Though I did get out of visiting the other in-laws this weekend. It was a last minute trip that was going to cause alot more stress than it was worth so my husband called his father to let him know we just couldn't swing it. My husband's step-mother is very Catholic and opinionated and I just didn't feel like dealing with her snarky comments about what we dress Rayne in or how we feed her or put her to bed - and may the Gods help us if baptism ever came up, because she isn't and will not be any time in the future. I'm sure she'd think we were 100% heathen after that. 

Onslow damage estimated at $9 million | onslow, damage, homes - Jacksonville Daily News

Onslow damage estimated at $9 million onslow, damage, homes - Jacksonville Daily News

Winds estimated at 145 mph | craven, damage, tornado - Jacksonville Daily News

Winds estimated at 145 mph craven, damage, tornado - Jacksonville Daily News

Worst in decades...

    This is complete off subject of anything I've been going through but Saturday night North Carolina finally got hit with the storm sytem that had already ripped through 6 other states and it wasn't pretty.

   We had actually just started leaving town when a tornado came through and destroyed about 30 homes in my old neighborhood, 10-15 more on base, and about 30 mobile homes in a park across the street. One of the local businesses was destroyed as well and countless more homes were damaged. News reports say there were anywhere from 4-7 fatalities in North Carolina, bringing the total death toll up to 21-25 across the 6 states affected.


   It's crazy. Our old apartment complex was just minutes down the road from the Montclair subdivision and we just left there 3 weeks ago. They've closed off the second half of the main road and making people show proof that they live in the affected areas.


  I want to help but I have no money to give, which is what the red cross is asking for. Sending prayers and good thoughts just doesn't seem enough right now. Not for a storm that is being called the worst in decades.

Crawl already, damn it!

  Thank the gods for Valium because Rayne is trying my patience with this crawling bit.

   I love the fact that she's hitting her milestones and that her weight doesn't seem to be as big of a hinderance as the doctors made it out to be, but the in between stages of it all is driving me i-n-s-a-n-e. She rolls over to a doggy-style (it's the only way to describe it!!) position then lets her legs fall out behind her so she ends up on her stomach. Well, she hates being on her stomach so then the crying starts. I let her flail around for a bit before sitting her back up, only to have her back in that exact same position 2 minutes later. It's exhausting! What the hell are we going to do when she actually starts crawling....or walking?



    We're buying rope.  :)

Oh, to wish upon a pill

     Dare I say, I think the new set of drugs is working. Then again, that's what I thought about the first set and they stopped within a month. But I'm trying the path of an optimist this time around.

     I am enjoying my daughter again. Though that's not to say she doesn't annoy me every now and again, but I'm not having a melt down when she does. Especially now that she's not sleeping in her crib for some reason or going down for bed easily, the pills help to take the edge off and I can get myself to calm down or not even get angry at all.




     Absolutely kills the sex drive though - a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. It sucks. Haven't had an orgasm since I started the medication and they can't give me anything to help with that until I get all the meds straightened out first. So until then, sex doesn't suck, but...well...sex isn't great.  :)

I don't feel a thing

   So I feel like I made a major step back over the past 2 weeks or so and that my meds have stopped working. I went in and my doctor upped a couple of things but I haven't felt a difference so we went back in yesterday afternoon and told him, straight up, I felt like I was playing my own personal version of Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.

So now I am on this:

60mg of Celexa (40 in the morning and 20 early afternoon)

10mg of Valium (x2 daily as needed)

5mg Saphris at night

Cross your fingers ladies and gents.



The goal is to have one less tantrum...

  As I sit here and write this, I'm counting down the hours until my husband comes home from work....about 3 to go depending on what they're doing. My daughter has been crying for whatever reason off and on all day and I have no desire whatsoever to comfort or play with her. I'm bored out of my mind and restless and it's taking its toll.


   My next medication check is on Tuesday and I think I'm gonna ask to be tested for bi-polar and have my medication either increased or try something new. I don't think the klonopin is working at all anymore. I find myself having more tantrums during the day than my daughter does and I look at her and think "What am I supposed to do with her?" I'm a mom, shouldn't it be natural? Shouldn't I want to roll around on the floor with her and play and giggle and laugh and be goofy? Am I that selfish a person?




   And the fucked up part? I want another one.

Will the real mother of this child please stand up?...

  I sometimes feel like I'm two different people:

             One, is the happy, smiling first-time-mom to the cutest little girl with the kissable chubby cheeks that everyone fawns over wherever we go. The one whose proud to show her off and carry her around in public and have everyone see just how perfect a thing we made.

            The other, is someone who feels like sometimes she's losing her mind and wants nothing to do with the small baby I waited and wanted for so long. The woman who is resisting the urge to go and slap a 6-month old child or shake her to stop her from crying all because it's irritating the shit out of me.

   And I have done that - I've slapped my daughter's hands and legs, mostly during feedings, because she's squirming and I want her to stop. I've spanked her lightly through her diaper because she's wriggling around on the changing table as I'm trying to put her diaper on. And logically, I know this is wrong - this shouldn't be happening. I should not be doing this to something so precious and so young. But emotionally, I can't deal with it - emotionally I don't care at the moment wether I hurt her until it's too late and she's already crying hysterically until the point she throws up - which only perpetuates the cycle by pissing me off even more.

        However, let me just say this - I have never hit my daughter with a closed fist; never slapped her across the face; never left a bruise or a red mark or a cut or whelp; I have never picked anything up to hit her with. But tonight I had the urge to walk over and kick her swing; with her in it all because she wouldn't go to sleep. (She's been having problems for the past week going to sleep. She's now back in her swing instead of the crib again).

   So once again, I ask, will this child's real mother please stand up and be a mom to a perfect little girl?

"Is she safe?"

   This is the question that was repeated over and over again at my last doctors visit. I called in an emergency appointment because I felt like something wasn't working anymore and I was slipping.


    I've been having a hard time dealing with my daughter and it's gotten to the point that I'm worried I'll hurt her - actually not worried, scared I will hurt you. I'm not gentle enough as it is with her and I've already spanked her through her diaper and she's only 6 months old....WAY too young for any of this.

   So I went in and told my doctor simply that I was afraid I'd hurt her. Not on purpose of course, but that I would do something and before I realized what I was doing she'd be in pain. The topic of him having to call CPS or DSS came up and I lost it...he told me not to bullshit him and if she wasn't safe, he needed to know.


  She is safe - honestly. I've never left a mark or a bruise or a cut or whelp. Nothing like that. And I'm not about to Andria Yates my 6 month old into the bathtub either. I was simply telling him the thoughts to go over and spank or slap her to get her to stop crying were getting stronger and I wanted to get that taken care of as quickly as possible.

               So he gave me more drugs. Here's the dosage of everything now:

Celexa 20mg x1 daily

Lamictal x1 daily  *New drug*

Klonopin 1mg x2 daily *Upped dosage*

Saphris 5mg x1 at night

Movin' on up

   Well, not so much moving on up as more moving the hell out. This place was nice to get us out of the in-laws house, but it will be nice to be in a place not attached to another apartment where you can hear sex sounds through the wall, and the road doesn't require you to get new shocks on your car every other month. Yea, we're still renting, but at least it's not to these people.


   Coming from left field now, I got inked last night. Said tattoo below:


   and apparently my step-mother-in-law "tried my *her* best" to get me to not have it done?.... still not sure her aversion to tattoos. Must be that stuffy catholic thing again...

 

   Must go, the monster is awake...

Na na na na boo boo

   My husband asked me tonight what it felt like, physically and emotionally when I told him I had to walk away from my daughter because I couldn't be near her at the moment. This is the best I could come up with:

   You're the oldest brother or sister in the family and your younger sibling does something wrong, but you're the one catching shit for it. So there you are, getting reamed out by your mother or father while your brother or sister does the "na na na na boo boo" dance behind them, while sticking out their tongue and wiggling their ass in hilarity. The intense urge to smack the shit out of them while they're doing that is exactly how I feel.  Here I am, feeding her, rocking her and soothing her to go to bed and she's doing everything in her power that pisses me off from smacking down on the bottle to scratching me to letting the formula drool out of her mouth.

    And that's what it feels like.

The "Darker" Side of Motherhood

   I wish there was a book with this title cause it would be on my shelf. Something written not by scholars, or doctors, or even celebrities, but by everday moms who bear the truth. The ones who can say I hated my baby on more than one occasion; the ones who can say the impulse to hit or hurt my baby happened more times than I can count; the ones who can admit wanting to give up and start over or not ever start again at all.

    Not everything it sweetness and light and cuddles and kisses and it would have really helped to know I wasn't crazy in the way I felt....and still do feel even with medication.

Take this and call me in the morning

   I officially started my medicine on Wednesday and have already seen a slight improvement; even my husband has noticed. I was originally supposed to see the doctor for the eval on Friday but they messed up my appointment and made it with someone who doesn't accept the state funded insurance so they called to reschedule but we had changed our house number. So I can home, cried and screamed for about 2 hours (not logical I know, but I had so much...excitement?.... hope? riding on that appointment that it tore me apart to know I wasn't getting help right then) and then had 7 beers and called it a night.
    It was a rough weekend to say the least and I won't make myself appear to be a more horrible mother than I already know I am, but here is the schedule:

Celexa x1  1 time daily

Klonopin  x1    2 times daily

Saphris x1     Before bed - no eating/drinking 15 minutes before or after

Agree to disagree

   So I figured eventually there would come a session during my therapy where I didn't agree at all with what my therapist was saying, I just didn't think it would be this soon.

   My husband came with me this past Wednesday and of course his mother came up. Before I go any further, let me list the problems I have with her...

Oh, Mother-in-Law how I loathe thee

• She's always guilt tripping my husband (though he doesn't give in anymore). The biggest example, he wanted to take her out for dinner on Mother's Day 2 years ago but she was going to the graduation of a family friend's daughter. No biggie, he offered to do it he next day which was Sunday. Sunday comes and she says she doesn't want to go anywhere and tells him to "just buy me something!"
• She's very passive agressive and manipulative.
• During my pregnancy I had alot of problems and if I mentioned anything she didn't go through or hadn't heard of, she made it seem like then none of it could be happening.
• She repeatedly reached out to touch my belly even after being asked then told by my husband not to do so. (She also called it a "pooch" in the beginning - nothing too crazy, just annoying)
• My daughter was born at 9:19pm but I wasn't able to hold her until 3:30 the next morning because we were both running a fever. Later that morning she shows up at 10:00am and waltzes in with my husband's step-father. Both of us are irritated and my husband asks why she didn't call. She says they did and they also texted. So my husband goes "But you didn't get a response back". No reply from her. (**This problem is solved for the next one, I'm registering as private and not telling anyone when I'm going in for an induction/labor**)
• The first week we were home her and step-father show up to our house 3 times when I specifically said I didn't want anyone over for 2 weeks at least since this was our first child. She also argued with my husband, her own son, about the way she was holding our daughter. She had her arm pinned underneath her and when ym husband asked her to move it and hold her differently she replied "She's fine, I've got her". Nevermind the fact that she's our daughter...
• She's constantly commenting on her "chubby cheeks" and "how much is mommy feeding you?". She's a big baby, I get that, but to make a comment every damn time she sees her is ridiculous.
• Until the beginning of January she would call every weekend starting Friday night and going to Sunday night to see if she could see our daughter. If she didn't get an answer on the house phone she would call my husband's cell phone. If he didn't answer his cell phone she would text his cell. At one point she even had the audacity to pester him as to why he didn't "let me (her) see baby". Nevermind the fact that my daughter has a name....
• After going to their house for Christmas, her husband took photos of all of us opening up gifts. A week later they show up on her facebook page and her main profile picture is one of her and my daughter. I'm sorry, but I pushed her out of my body, you didn't, she's mine, not yours...
• Stupidity on my part, I mentioned that I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. So she texts me a couple of times a week saying if I need help she'd be glad to watch my daughter while I ran errands, etc. I don't need her to watch her, she goes with me wherever I go. Then she texts my husband that the reason for my "depression" is being stuck in the house all the time with the baby and that she raised him just fine "with no cuts or bruises or accidents or trips to the hospital". She was desperately trying at this point to get me to ler her babysit.

    So all of this leads up to me sending her a message that boiled down to back the fuck off. Which of course, she took to the extreme and stopped calling, texting and communicating of any kind (not that I was complaining).

    This all was talked about during my session to which my therapist "explained" that part of my anxiety was a fear of losing control and that my mother-in-law was a resource that I should use. She suggested I leave my daughter alone with her...at this point I stopped listening so I'm not sure her reasoning behind it. She asked if I was worried my mother-in-law wasn't capable of taking care of her or if anything inappropriate would happen, to which I said of course not, there is just no reason for her to have her alone.

   She's only 4 months old, I'm a stay at home mom so I don't need a babysitter or daycare and even my husband agreed that there is no need for her to have her alone - and this is his mother we're talking about!

   So take that doctor - guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Calling to confirm your appointment...

So my first "official" therapy session was this afternoon at 1:00 and I think it went pretty well.
   The entire ride there I was nervous and my stomach was in knots because I had to bring Rayne with me. Even though the doctor told me at the last appointment that it wasn't a problem, I was still nervous.

   It went well. She refreshed herself on my situation and what brought me there (we hadn't spoken since before Christmas) and set up a goal for me; the main one being to control the anger and immediatly. I still have an anxiety disorder and the anger is from that, and she wants to put me on some medication to help calm me down and then hopefully therapy will do the rest. So my medication evaluation is on February 11 and we'll see how that goes.


    And Rayne was the perfect baby the entire time - I had nothing to worry about. 

Robbing myself

   I've begun to think motherhood has brought out the worst in me. Which is a horrible thought. This is what I wanted, what I cried over, and tried for for months and struggled through 10 months of pregnancy for, but here I am robbing myself of precious moments with my daughter because I can't relax and control my temper.

   I look at other mothers who have it rough - and I mean horrible, stressful, absolutely unfair situations, like the mother of Scarlett, whose struggle almost all of us on BBC have become very familar with - and I try to figure out where I get off being the way I am. There are far more serious things we could be going through and how would I ever handle that if I can't get through a simple feeding without having a meltdown.


   My poor Rayne is only 3 1/2 months old and I pray she doesn't remember me this way forever.

Parking at Michael's

   So we had a meltdown yesterday.




   And of course when I say we, I mean me. It started out as a good day. My daughter and I got up, she got fed and went back to sleep, so I started taking care of the house. I even got to take a shower, a LONG, hot shower, without having to worry about rushing out because she was crying. I took down Christmas decorations while she watched, I ATE lunch...it was awesome. Then she fell asleep and I figured it was the perfect time to run to Michael's to grab some Sculpey clay for her ornament. (I ordered one online but apparently it was out of stock and it took them 3 WEEKS to tell me...after Christmas had already passed...but that's a WHOLE other post) 


   She started getting fussy on the way there so I figured I'd make a bottle once I got there. Nope. As soon, and I mean literally, as soon as I put the car in park she screamed like I dropped her on her head. It was like a switch for me. I immediately put the car in reverse and went back home. There was no way I could walk through the store, feed her and concentrate on what I needed to get. I called my husband yelling into the phone and crying.


   I'm just sick of feeling like I'm stuck at home because she freaks out whenver we go somewhere. Like Walmart. Since she was a month and a half old, we have not been able to go to Walmart, any Walmart, without having to change and feed her once we get there. I don't get it. For me, it's just so annoying that I can't go to the store, get what I need to get done, without having to hold her and feed her. And it's not like she's starving - I can finish feeding her minutes before we leave and she still wakes up and gets fussy at the store. Then I feel like all eyes are on me, which makes me nervous and my mind starts to go...I feel like people are staring and thinking I'm a crappy mom because my child is crying or I have to feed her while walking around. It's dumb and irrational, but that's what goes through my head.


   Of course, by the time we got home she was asleep. Then the rest of the day went fine. By the time my husband got home we were smiles and grins.


   Maybe I'm just bi-polar...  lol

Exercise away the stress

   Don't know if it works or not, but we'll try it. My first therapy session isn't until January 19th and I'm getting worse and worse at controlling my temper and on top of everything else I'm worried/stressed/pissed off about, the left over baby weight isn't helping.

So here are the starting stats:

Weight: 174

Hips: 43 1/2

Waist: 35 1/2

Bust: 39