Babies are supposed to be chubby!

   What do people not understand about this? No, you don't want them fat at 2 years old but have people not heard of "baby fat" and that it does go away?

   Rayne and I were in Walmart today, getting my new prescription and some other things when the man behind the pharmacy counter leaned over and started talking to her. Not a big deal. Then I hear, "You're going to be a big girl". Okay... that can be taken one of two different ways so I tried taking it the good way - that she was going to grow up and be a big girl. No harm. Then as we were leaving...

   "You're going to have to get her to do some exercises..."

   She's 9 months old you old fart! (9 months old today to be exact and we had just left her 9 month check up where they said she looked good. She even gained 2 inches in length!)  Comments like this don't upset me like they used to - I would have been reduced to tears once we got home about 4 months ago - but they annoy me more than anything. No, not all babies have to be chubby, mine just is. And she's beautiful that way, chubby cheeks and all!

Therapy Thursday

  So I'm blogging twice today {hooray!} because I'm thinking of starting a weekly thing on Thursdays called "Therapy Thursday" which will pretty much be a mini-rant of everything that's bugged me for the week. Let's start:


        ~ The asshole that just squealed his tires down the road of our neighborhood and probably woke up
           my daughter from her nap. I could cut a bitch.

       ~ My daughter cutting two teeth. She already didn't sleep well as it was without the teeth and now
          we have to add annoying agonizing pain to the deal?!

       ~ The fact that I don't have a house. I want an actual garden, people, not just plants in ceramic pots!

       ~ My mother and her incessant phone calls yesterday about my car, WHILE I'm trying to put Rayne
          down for a nap. See #2.

  That's about all for now. Till next Thursday!

Anafranil and my Birthday Disaster

  I turned 26 on Tuesday - yay me.  :) It was a disaster.

                                          


   Well, not completely, but I did spend most of the day driving around town to get to my doctor's appointment then spent the rest of it sitting in my car as it sat dead on the side of the road with (what I had hoped) was just a dead battery but turned into an $800 bill for both a battery and an alternator.
 
   Happy Birthday to me.

   However, the hubby was home that day with Rayne, taking care of her, doing the dishes, cleaning up and ordering Domino's for dinner since, by the time I got home, I was in absolutely no mood to go out to eat and just wanted to curl up and sleep. I give him a ration of shit alot of the time but ladies, I did get one of the good ones.

    As for my doctors appointment, I want different drugs and my doctor won't give them to me. (No I'm not an addict, geez...) ;P   My therapist and I were talking about a drug called Luvox which is prescribed for OCD and is also said to help with tourette's syndrome which we both believe I may have though I still need to see a neurologist to be sure. So I went in and asked him about it and what does he do? Gives me something else. (grrr...) It's still used for OCD, the first line of defense he says, but it's not what we were reading about. Will it help with my ticks? I sure as hell hope so because I look like a moron with the left side of my face twitching and my eyelids fluttering every 2 seconds. At this point, I'm desperate for anything to work just short of my own personal shock therapy.

                                                       

Midnight rock-and-walks

  I put Rayne down for bed tonight (and still in her crib - go us!) and as she fell asleep and cuddled into me I was reminded of how she got her nickname Ladybug. As a newborn we were able to get her to fall asleep on our shoulders, all snuggled up in her blanket. She resembled a ladybug perched up there and it stuck with us.

    Tonight I missed that. Especially the middle of the night feedings. Which is weird to say now that I'm thinking about it - who misses not sleeping?! lol  But I do. The cuddling in the middle of the night, the extra 30 minutes I had to hold her upright because of her reflux, the way her head seemed to fit just perfectly onto my shoulder as she slept.... She's growing up. I've listened to people say it time and time again over her short 8 1/2 months but it's true. She's getting so big, so fast and it's crazy to think of where we've come from.

    I miss our midnight rock-and-walks, but maybe she does too.  :)

No idle hands here!

   I've got quite a bit going on in our household as of late:

• Blogging here
• Blogging at my other site By Land, Sky & Sea
• *Attempting* to write my book (which has 4 Chapters already)
• Sewing my bags, cloaks, etc. for the Central North Carolina Pagan Pride Days in September
• School (I picked my studies back up with Penn Foster College for Veterinary Technician)
• Researching more for my BoS
• Trying to find more information about domestic/kitchen witchcraft

   So needless to say, I am and will be busy over the next few months! But it's a good thing I'm told by my therapist today. It actually helps with my OCD; keeping my mind busy and focused on something else besides fixating and driving myself crazy. The last thing I went majorly crazy over was a house. I really would love to stop renting and finally own our own home and it hit me that if my husband and I were going to go car shopping this summer, because our credit and finances were better, why not just find a house instead? But I was hit with this intense need to go out and find a house right then and there. I even called my husband and told him he had to take off work so we could go look at houses - and this was in a period of 3 days!

   We'll see if this strategy works. If not, well at least I won't be bored!

From caretaker to mother

  I was just thinking in the bathroom tonight (because I always do my best thinking in there - TMI? Sorry...) about the sudden, or rather not so sudden, change in how I feel about Rayne being hurt.

   I used to be the one that hurt her, and the worst part was I didn't care. She could be crying, screaming, throwing up from being so upset and I would just keep yelling and making it worse until I was shaking with fury and unable to control myself. Now, she takes a head dive into the floor or the nightstand in our room and I scoop her up instantly and smother her in calming kisses and some soothing words.

   I love her laugh, especially the belly laughs where her entire body bounces up and down and her chubby cheeks jiggle. I love her toothless grin and her long fingers and toes that she gets from me. I find her hilarious when she's trying to do something new or reach something and she can't so she gets frustrated and yells as she squints her eyes (something else she also got from me...)  :)

   I'm finally feeling like a mother to my daughter and it's about damn time.

09/30/2010

"A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future"

The Image of Motherhood

  I was in tears the other night over Rayne.

  No she wasn't hurt, or sick, or pulling my hair out like she violently likes to do - she wouldn't sleep in her crib.

  This has been an issue for as long as she's been alive. She was diagnosed with GERD around 3 weeks old which meant 3-4 months of her sleeping in her swing and then her car seat before we finally got her in her crib around 5 months old. And we were doing great until we moved then it was back in the swing again. So we decided to try the crib again over the past few weeks and she's been in it the last 3 nights I am proud to say.

   My husband asks why it bothers me so much. I get so anxious to the point of getting sick when we have to put her down for the night. For me, there's this image of motherhood in my mind and of how things are supposed to go. The baby cries, you feed her, she stops. She cries, you change her, she stops. She falls asleep in her crib every night. All of this I know, logically, doesn't always happen perfectly, but emotionally it just throws me for a loop. I just want her to be normal and fall into that natural routine that every other mother seems to have established.

  You'd think that by now, at eight, almost nine. months old I would have learned to let go of that. She's her own normal and I've got to learn to embrace it.

No boob for you!

  At least that's what I'll say to the next baby. :)

   I finally got back in to therapy on Wednesday and breastfeeding our next baby is a subject I brought up. I didn't do it with Rayne but wanted to try it with our next child, but that was until my husband brought up how I'll need to go back on meds as soon as possible. So I asked my therapist and she agreed - it's just out of the question. Which isn't a big deal - I'm not one of those moms whose life is going to end just because I can't nurse my kid; I just wanted to try it. Maybe I can do it for the few days I'm in the hospital after giving birth then start back on the meds...

   She also suggested a new medication. We brought up how I'm still having some bad days and the obsessing has gotten much, much worse. She told me Luvox might be something to try. I looked it up online and it's given to help with OCD and sometimes social anxiety disorder as well. She also told me it's one of the medications prescribed for tourette's, which we think I might also have because of my horrible twitching. I'm excited. I made an earlier appointment with the doctor to see if I could get put on the Luvox immediately. Coming off the Celexa might suck though and the first week of the Luvox can be total hell I've been told so my husband might have to take off work again. Oh, well, hell for me, vacation for him. :)