I don't feel a thing

   So I feel like I made a major step back over the past 2 weeks or so and that my meds have stopped working. I went in and my doctor upped a couple of things but I haven't felt a difference so we went back in yesterday afternoon and told him, straight up, I felt like I was playing my own personal version of Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.

So now I am on this:

60mg of Celexa (40 in the morning and 20 early afternoon)

10mg of Valium (x2 daily as needed)

5mg Saphris at night

Cross your fingers ladies and gents.



The goal is to have one less tantrum...

  As I sit here and write this, I'm counting down the hours until my husband comes home from work....about 3 to go depending on what they're doing. My daughter has been crying for whatever reason off and on all day and I have no desire whatsoever to comfort or play with her. I'm bored out of my mind and restless and it's taking its toll.


   My next medication check is on Tuesday and I think I'm gonna ask to be tested for bi-polar and have my medication either increased or try something new. I don't think the klonopin is working at all anymore. I find myself having more tantrums during the day than my daughter does and I look at her and think "What am I supposed to do with her?" I'm a mom, shouldn't it be natural? Shouldn't I want to roll around on the floor with her and play and giggle and laugh and be goofy? Am I that selfish a person?




   And the fucked up part? I want another one.

Will the real mother of this child please stand up?...

  I sometimes feel like I'm two different people:

             One, is the happy, smiling first-time-mom to the cutest little girl with the kissable chubby cheeks that everyone fawns over wherever we go. The one whose proud to show her off and carry her around in public and have everyone see just how perfect a thing we made.

            The other, is someone who feels like sometimes she's losing her mind and wants nothing to do with the small baby I waited and wanted for so long. The woman who is resisting the urge to go and slap a 6-month old child or shake her to stop her from crying all because it's irritating the shit out of me.

   And I have done that - I've slapped my daughter's hands and legs, mostly during feedings, because she's squirming and I want her to stop. I've spanked her lightly through her diaper because she's wriggling around on the changing table as I'm trying to put her diaper on. And logically, I know this is wrong - this shouldn't be happening. I should not be doing this to something so precious and so young. But emotionally, I can't deal with it - emotionally I don't care at the moment wether I hurt her until it's too late and she's already crying hysterically until the point she throws up - which only perpetuates the cycle by pissing me off even more.

        However, let me just say this - I have never hit my daughter with a closed fist; never slapped her across the face; never left a bruise or a red mark or a cut or whelp; I have never picked anything up to hit her with. But tonight I had the urge to walk over and kick her swing; with her in it all because she wouldn't go to sleep. (She's been having problems for the past week going to sleep. She's now back in her swing instead of the crib again).

   So once again, I ask, will this child's real mother please stand up and be a mom to a perfect little girl?

"Is she safe?"

   This is the question that was repeated over and over again at my last doctors visit. I called in an emergency appointment because I felt like something wasn't working anymore and I was slipping.


    I've been having a hard time dealing with my daughter and it's gotten to the point that I'm worried I'll hurt her - actually not worried, scared I will hurt you. I'm not gentle enough as it is with her and I've already spanked her through her diaper and she's only 6 months old....WAY too young for any of this.

   So I went in and told my doctor simply that I was afraid I'd hurt her. Not on purpose of course, but that I would do something and before I realized what I was doing she'd be in pain. The topic of him having to call CPS or DSS came up and I lost it...he told me not to bullshit him and if she wasn't safe, he needed to know.


  She is safe - honestly. I've never left a mark or a bruise or a cut or whelp. Nothing like that. And I'm not about to Andria Yates my 6 month old into the bathtub either. I was simply telling him the thoughts to go over and spank or slap her to get her to stop crying were getting stronger and I wanted to get that taken care of as quickly as possible.

               So he gave me more drugs. Here's the dosage of everything now:

Celexa 20mg x1 daily

Lamictal x1 daily  *New drug*

Klonopin 1mg x2 daily *Upped dosage*

Saphris 5mg x1 at night

Movin' on up

   Well, not so much moving on up as more moving the hell out. This place was nice to get us out of the in-laws house, but it will be nice to be in a place not attached to another apartment where you can hear sex sounds through the wall, and the road doesn't require you to get new shocks on your car every other month. Yea, we're still renting, but at least it's not to these people.


   Coming from left field now, I got inked last night. Said tattoo below:


   and apparently my step-mother-in-law "tried my *her* best" to get me to not have it done?.... still not sure her aversion to tattoos. Must be that stuffy catholic thing again...

 

   Must go, the monster is awake...