Na na na na boo boo

   My husband asked me tonight what it felt like, physically and emotionally when I told him I had to walk away from my daughter because I couldn't be near her at the moment. This is the best I could come up with:

   You're the oldest brother or sister in the family and your younger sibling does something wrong, but you're the one catching shit for it. So there you are, getting reamed out by your mother or father while your brother or sister does the "na na na na boo boo" dance behind them, while sticking out their tongue and wiggling their ass in hilarity. The intense urge to smack the shit out of them while they're doing that is exactly how I feel.  Here I am, feeding her, rocking her and soothing her to go to bed and she's doing everything in her power that pisses me off from smacking down on the bottle to scratching me to letting the formula drool out of her mouth.

    And that's what it feels like.

The "Darker" Side of Motherhood

   I wish there was a book with this title cause it would be on my shelf. Something written not by scholars, or doctors, or even celebrities, but by everday moms who bear the truth. The ones who can say I hated my baby on more than one occasion; the ones who can say the impulse to hit or hurt my baby happened more times than I can count; the ones who can admit wanting to give up and start over or not ever start again at all.

    Not everything it sweetness and light and cuddles and kisses and it would have really helped to know I wasn't crazy in the way I felt....and still do feel even with medication.

Take this and call me in the morning

   I officially started my medicine on Wednesday and have already seen a slight improvement; even my husband has noticed. I was originally supposed to see the doctor for the eval on Friday but they messed up my appointment and made it with someone who doesn't accept the state funded insurance so they called to reschedule but we had changed our house number. So I can home, cried and screamed for about 2 hours (not logical I know, but I had so much...excitement?.... hope? riding on that appointment that it tore me apart to know I wasn't getting help right then) and then had 7 beers and called it a night.
    It was a rough weekend to say the least and I won't make myself appear to be a more horrible mother than I already know I am, but here is the schedule:

Celexa x1  1 time daily

Klonopin  x1    2 times daily

Saphris x1     Before bed - no eating/drinking 15 minutes before or after

Agree to disagree

   So I figured eventually there would come a session during my therapy where I didn't agree at all with what my therapist was saying, I just didn't think it would be this soon.

   My husband came with me this past Wednesday and of course his mother came up. Before I go any further, let me list the problems I have with her...

Oh, Mother-in-Law how I loathe thee

• She's always guilt tripping my husband (though he doesn't give in anymore). The biggest example, he wanted to take her out for dinner on Mother's Day 2 years ago but she was going to the graduation of a family friend's daughter. No biggie, he offered to do it he next day which was Sunday. Sunday comes and she says she doesn't want to go anywhere and tells him to "just buy me something!"
• She's very passive agressive and manipulative.
• During my pregnancy I had alot of problems and if I mentioned anything she didn't go through or hadn't heard of, she made it seem like then none of it could be happening.
• She repeatedly reached out to touch my belly even after being asked then told by my husband not to do so. (She also called it a "pooch" in the beginning - nothing too crazy, just annoying)
• My daughter was born at 9:19pm but I wasn't able to hold her until 3:30 the next morning because we were both running a fever. Later that morning she shows up at 10:00am and waltzes in with my husband's step-father. Both of us are irritated and my husband asks why she didn't call. She says they did and they also texted. So my husband goes "But you didn't get a response back". No reply from her. (**This problem is solved for the next one, I'm registering as private and not telling anyone when I'm going in for an induction/labor**)
• The first week we were home her and step-father show up to our house 3 times when I specifically said I didn't want anyone over for 2 weeks at least since this was our first child. She also argued with my husband, her own son, about the way she was holding our daughter. She had her arm pinned underneath her and when ym husband asked her to move it and hold her differently she replied "She's fine, I've got her". Nevermind the fact that she's our daughter...
• She's constantly commenting on her "chubby cheeks" and "how much is mommy feeding you?". She's a big baby, I get that, but to make a comment every damn time she sees her is ridiculous.
• Until the beginning of January she would call every weekend starting Friday night and going to Sunday night to see if she could see our daughter. If she didn't get an answer on the house phone she would call my husband's cell phone. If he didn't answer his cell phone she would text his cell. At one point she even had the audacity to pester him as to why he didn't "let me (her) see baby". Nevermind the fact that my daughter has a name....
• After going to their house for Christmas, her husband took photos of all of us opening up gifts. A week later they show up on her facebook page and her main profile picture is one of her and my daughter. I'm sorry, but I pushed her out of my body, you didn't, she's mine, not yours...
• Stupidity on my part, I mentioned that I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. So she texts me a couple of times a week saying if I need help she'd be glad to watch my daughter while I ran errands, etc. I don't need her to watch her, she goes with me wherever I go. Then she texts my husband that the reason for my "depression" is being stuck in the house all the time with the baby and that she raised him just fine "with no cuts or bruises or accidents or trips to the hospital". She was desperately trying at this point to get me to ler her babysit.

    So all of this leads up to me sending her a message that boiled down to back the fuck off. Which of course, she took to the extreme and stopped calling, texting and communicating of any kind (not that I was complaining).

    This all was talked about during my session to which my therapist "explained" that part of my anxiety was a fear of losing control and that my mother-in-law was a resource that I should use. She suggested I leave my daughter alone with her...at this point I stopped listening so I'm not sure her reasoning behind it. She asked if I was worried my mother-in-law wasn't capable of taking care of her or if anything inappropriate would happen, to which I said of course not, there is just no reason for her to have her alone.

   She's only 4 months old, I'm a stay at home mom so I don't need a babysitter or daycare and even my husband agreed that there is no need for her to have her alone - and this is his mother we're talking about!

   So take that doctor - guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.