A New Direction

    Today has been a pretty productive day. (I actually wrote productful first...is that even a word? My brain is mush right now...)

   First we worked out. I say we because I did Zumba, while Rayne crawled in and out of my legs causing me to look more like I was having a seizure at some points rather than dancing. But at least we were moving!

  I finished a chapter in my book. Yes, I think I'm going to start calling it a book rather than "I'm just writing". I even looked up a few sites on publishing your own book and filled out a questionaire to have someone call me about it. Guess what? They did! Only...I didn't pick up the phone. I haven't even finished a few chapters let alone the whole thing. I was just curious as to what was out there.

  I'm making an altar which is my next project once Rayne goes down for her afternoon nap. I'm a Celtic Pagan and wanted to have a small space to go where I can focus and pray when I need to and decided to make one. It's still in the rough stages but here's some pics:

This will be the top. I burned the image of a tree of life I found online in the center and it's all stained in a light pecan color.

This is what the top will rest on once I glue it all together. The symbols are Triquerta's (some people might know them from Charmed but they don't originate there) I call them trinity knots and in Catholic faith they represent the Holy Trinity. (Sorry for the mini lesson there...)  :)

  As for the title of my post, we have changed gears here in our household. For the past couple of months it was decided that my husband would be joining the Army so he could get the hell out of his current construction job and move onto something better - and to help out our finances. But it's not really what either of us want. His first choice was Air Force but they denied him because of his tattoos so his next stop was the Army recruiter. He doesn't want to be away from Rayne and I, especially with her being our first and he doesn't want to miss anything. With all of my issues I would definitely like him to be home anyway.

  Plus, our dreams lie somewhere else. We want more kids and I don't want to work around deployments, school, etc. to do that. He wants to open up a card shop someday. I was going to school for Veterinary Technology but stopped when my problems with the PPD got too extreme.

   So we're picking up where we dropped off. I'm going back to school so eventually I can go back to work and he can stay home with Rayne (and any future kids we have) while he tries to get his business off the ground and we all live happily, ever after. At least, that's the plan.

  Oh, and for shits and giggles, here's a pic of Rayne during her first time at the beach. We got a few smiles, but I don't think she was too sure on the waves.  :)

I would die for this little girl, I really would.

Wanna see my name in print

   I want to write a book.


   I bought "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields about two months ago and loved it. I even highlighted some favorite parts that helped to explain what I was feeling in better words than I ever could.

  My problem is, I'm not a great writer. I can write and put a story together and make it make sense, but I don't have the flourish that other people do. I put too much detail or not enough. Sometimes it doesn't flow as well as it could. Nonetheless, I still want to write a book. I even have a title

"And We All Fall Down"

or maybe

"And We All Fall Down: A Family's Journey through Post Partum Depression"

We'll see.

Remember Me

   I just got done watching Oprah and she ended today's show with the final message of a mother who lost her battle to breast cancer.

   This woman, as she was dying, began recording tapes and videos of messages to her daughter for all of the future milestones she would miss with her. I couldn't help but cry as I thought of what this woman was feeling as she was saying good-bye to her daughter in this incredible way. I want to give Rayne something like that but I don't want to be dying in order to do it.


   So I decided to make a box of letters for her. I'll make a trip to Michael's for a plain. wodden box and decorate it (most likely with ladybugs) then on every birthday until....well, whenever I decide to stop, I'll write her a letter and put it inside. I'll probably give it to her when she's 18 or graduates - something like that. Not too sure yet, I'm still hashing out the details.

   Maybe I'm being too sentimental and she won't even want it, but we'll see.

Letting off some steam...

   Can I complain for a minute?

   Okay, maybe longer...


   I don't think my husband realizes just how good he's got it here. That's not to say I don't give him my fair ration of shit because I have, I can, and I do. But really, he's got it made.

   He goes to work for 11-12 hours a day. Yes, it's hard work and yes I appreciate him doing so but that's 11-12 hours he's not dealing with shitty diapers, vomit all over the floor, screaming and crying and just all around fussiness. He gets a break from our daughter - I get none.
 
   If he feels sick at work he has the option of calling out or leaving early and coming home to rest. I don't. I have to wait until he gets home and hope he feels well enough to help out so I can have 5 minutes to pee in peace.

   He leaves dishes in the sink at night when he goes to bed and they're done by the time he gets home in the evenings only to turn around and leave them in the sink again. (All while telling me he'll do them in the morning before he goes to work...doesn't always happen)

   I don't even remember the last time he did laundry. Which isn't a huge deal because I actually like doing laundry. But is it too much to ask a grown man to put the damn pile away? Stacking it on top of your bureau does not count fucker! They're already folded, put them in the damn drawers and be done with it!

  I make dinner most nights, lately it's been every night. If I don't make anything we'll grab something while we're out.

  I bathe and change our daughter every night. I started this to help her settle into a bedtime routine and it works pretty well for her. Once again would it kill him to give her a bath? "All you have to do is ask me to do it..." he replies. Just ONCE I would like for him to offer to do it. Why is it men must always be asked? I do the same thing every night and have been for the past 3 months or so - it's not a surprise!

   I vacuum, I dust, I organize, I go food shopping, I make sure the bills are paid (and most of the time on time), I call people for his matters while he's at work because he never has time - I do a lot of shit around here. And he does appreciate it and he's told me so before.


   But now I'd like some actual help. And not the kind that lasts a couple of days before disappearing.

Baby Brain

  I hate being told that I can't do something. Whether it's from my parents, friends, my husband, myself....I can't stand being told I can't do something.


   Which is why it sucked being told in therapy today that having Baby #2 will have to wait at least a year.


   That's right, a year. I went in for therapy today after an unintentional 3-week hiatus and told my therapist that I was having baby brain already, even with all my problems. She looked at me and smiled - and I knew that smile, the one that meant something I didn't like was coming - and told me gently it was probably not a good idea to do it now. She said with the medication I'm on, there's an 85% chance of relapse coming off of it. On top of that I was so severe when I started seeing her that I will also definitely have to go in for regular therapy the entire time I'm pregnant since I will need all the extra help I can get so I don't go back to how I was. She also suggested that we time the pregnancy around my husband not being deployed and me being on my own and having me be with my mother if he is away.


   She also admitted to me that they (herself and the doctor I see for my medication checks) went out on a limb for me. I was having some pretty dark thoughts and actions for a while there which resulted in a pretty shaky doctor's visit where I was told if my baby was in danger they would have to file a report. I held back my sobs on that visit purely by luck. My therapist told me if I had been in any other clinic in town, a report would have already been filed and I probably wouldn't have been able to be alone with my daughter as a result. She said this clinic would rather work with people - she gave me an example of another clinic that hospitalizes about 400 people a month compared to the 2 that mine might. 400?! I was floored.


   But I am also very appreciative. She let me know that they were worried about me for a while but kept a close eye on me and with my husband coming in pretty regularly during that time and being so adamant that nothing would happen and also taking so much time off of work so he could be with us, they decided to trust me. I will never be able to thank them enough for that trust and for what they have done for me so far and continue to do.

Happy Mother's Day

   I've officially joined the club - motherhood.  :)


   My first Mother's Day could not have been sweeter. I woke up this morning to a grinning husband who excitedly grabbed my hand and ran me to the kitchen. Waiting there was a huge card (the kind that would take 30 stamps to send) and a make-up bag assortment from him and a smaller card and bouquet of carnations "from" our daughter. (It was so cute how he worded everything too). He kissed and hugged me and wished me a Happy Mother's Day before he went off to wake up Rayne. (There was sex also... Mother's Day sex is pretty good let me tell you...)


    Later we went out for lunch at Red Robin (10 minute wait and no mother-in-law... YAY!) then to Wal-Mart and Lowe's so I could finish getting all the spring flowers and herbs I've been wanting. We came home and I planted everything while my husband sat outside with me and goofed around.


  I could not have asked for a more relaxing day or a more wonderful husband. He truly made this the greatest first Mother's Day.

First Time Mom

  This Mother's Day will be my first as an official mom. Last year I was still pregnant with Rayne so 2011 marks my first.


   Is it to much to ask to have a drama-free Mother's Day?




   Because I know it won't be. Yes, I am referring, once again, to my mother-in-law. The one who, no doubt, will throw a shit fit and a guilt trip once she figures out that my husband will not be spending "her" beloved holiday with her and instead spending it with me (and possibly adding some flowers in there too)  :)


  She is of the mind that every holiday should still include us visiting her house and spending hours upon hours there talking and visiting, etc. Which was nice...when we didn't have a baby. Now that we are a family of three, we would like to start spending our holidays together and beginning our own traditions.


   Don't get me wrong - I have a mother too. And I love her very much and intend to give her a call on Mother's Day and wish her the best and talk and catch up like we always do. But she understands that when my husband and I got married, he (and then later my daughter) became my immediate family. My mother-in-law on the other hand, still believes her only child should still dote on and take care of her like he's still living at home.




    Well, I'm sorry to tell you, you manipulative pain in the ass, but you're taking a back seat now. In the words of fellow BBC Dealing With the In-Laws members:

"The woman who blows you, trumps the one who birthed you"