Selfish.
Lazy.
Self-centered.
Horrible.
Damaging.
Bad.
Yes, these are all terms I have heard used for mothers like myself. Mothers who decided not to breastfeed without a, what others have deemed, valid reason not to.
My story is not one of a heartbroken woman struggling to get her precious newborn to latch on to her breast to be fed, or of a mother crying in the corner while waiting for her milk to come in. My story is - I just didn't want to.
My mother didn't breastfeed, and I'm pretty sure my grandmother didn't either, so some people might blame that. No good examples or role models to look up to. Others would say it was selfishness because I wanted to eat and drink what I wanted to after my daughter was born. And I guess I could also try, in self defense, to use my anxiety, OCD and PPD as an excuse since it's because of all those issues that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room as my daughter for those horrible couple of months.
But no, let's be honest - I just didn't want to. It was not even something I thought of during those 9 months of pregnancy (except for when those nosey bastards at the health department tried to make me feel bad for my decision). And I'm not going to defend my decision anymore either. I'm not ashamed nor do I regret the choice not to breastfeed, but I'm not going to waste my time on petty, cold-hearted, judgemental bitches who feel it is their place to decide who's a better mother and why. Some people may graduate from high school but never completely leave.
Plus, I'm finally ejoying the little girl that I gave birth to. Don't those people have better things to do?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Houston, we have a baby in the crib
That's right ladies and gentlemen, little Miss Rayne is sleeping in her crib tonight and I put her there - all. by. myself. Cheers to small victories! Good night!
My little pill box
I feel like a senior citizen. No, really.
I've got one of those 7-day pill box organizers for AM and PM doses, and it's full of medication. I just recently (as in today recently) added a multi-vitamin to the mix to help with the weight loss. Not sure if it will work but it can't hurt.
As for the Anafranil, it feels like it's working. I haven't done much obsessing since starting it. Come to think of it I haven't done any obsessing. I've even tried to get myself to that point and it doesn't work. Hasn't helpe dmuch with the twitching but I figured that was a long shot to begin with.
Short post today - too busy chasing Rayne around the kitchen. We got he ra sit-to-stand walker toy and she's been cruisding ever since. Gods help us when she actually starts to walk!
I've got one of those 7-day pill box organizers for AM and PM doses, and it's full of medication. I just recently (as in today recently) added a multi-vitamin to the mix to help with the weight loss. Not sure if it will work but it can't hurt.
As for the Anafranil, it feels like it's working. I haven't done much obsessing since starting it. Come to think of it I haven't done any obsessing. I've even tried to get myself to that point and it doesn't work. Hasn't helpe dmuch with the twitching but I figured that was a long shot to begin with.
Short post today - too busy chasing Rayne around the kitchen. We got he ra sit-to-stand walker toy and she's been cruisding ever since. Gods help us when she actually starts to walk!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Weight Loss Challenge
I would definitely not win the biggest loser.
I've let myself go over the past month or so. I was doing SO well then all the medication changes hit and we moved and I started getting myself busy with all the stuff I'm trying to do....
But enough with excuses. We went to Cici's Pizza tonight (bad, I know) and my shorts were riding up in the front because my thighs touch and rub together when I walk. That shouldn't happen! I used to be fit! I was a skinny minny for a LONG time, but I'm not even asking to be that thin again, just fit and healthy.
David (my hubby - can't remember if I've ever given his name before...) keeps telling me not to be too hard on myself because I have been going through a lot and it's tough on the body. I've been easy on myself or too long and it's showing. It's even more important now because a side effect of the anafranil is weight gain so I now have double the worry. I don't want to become obese because of some medication. It's not like I can't stop the medication if that does happen, but I don't want to start off any further behind.
I joined myfitnesspal.com so we'll see how it goes. DAyers723 is my username, look me up if you're on there!
I've let myself go over the past month or so. I was doing SO well then all the medication changes hit and we moved and I started getting myself busy with all the stuff I'm trying to do....
But enough with excuses. We went to Cici's Pizza tonight (bad, I know) and my shorts were riding up in the front because my thighs touch and rub together when I walk. That shouldn't happen! I used to be fit! I was a skinny minny for a LONG time, but I'm not even asking to be that thin again, just fit and healthy.
David (my hubby - can't remember if I've ever given his name before...) keeps telling me not to be too hard on myself because I have been going through a lot and it's tough on the body. I've been easy on myself or too long and it's showing. It's even more important now because a side effect of the anafranil is weight gain so I now have double the worry. I don't want to become obese because of some medication. It's not like I can't stop the medication if that does happen, but I don't want to start off any further behind.
I joined myfitnesspal.com so we'll see how it goes. DAyers723 is my username, look me up if you're on there!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Therapy Thursday
Let's just dive right in, shall we? Though I don't think there's too much this week...
- My daughter's teeth. 2 of them popped through almost 2 weeks ago and they're wreaking havoc on her little body. She's always hot, running a slight fever, and exploding out of her diaper every time she naps. I've had to bathe her twice a day for the past four days!
- My mother-in-law on the 4th of July. They were going to a cookout at a friend's house and wanted to know if we wanted to come. We said no because we don't know or like any of their friends. Then she bugged us about fireworks. Sorry, but Rayne can't stand the sound of me dropping a fork in the sink let alone fireworks right now.
- The upcoming Pagan Pride festival. I keep having these nagging thoughts that everything I've made is shit and won't sell and people are going to make comments about me while I'm there. It's annoying.
- The fact that my husband and I are in debt. I know we always will be, but I'll always hate it.
Like I said, not too much, but enough to count.
- My daughter's teeth. 2 of them popped through almost 2 weeks ago and they're wreaking havoc on her little body. She's always hot, running a slight fever, and exploding out of her diaper every time she naps. I've had to bathe her twice a day for the past four days!
- My mother-in-law on the 4th of July. They were going to a cookout at a friend's house and wanted to know if we wanted to come. We said no because we don't know or like any of their friends. Then she bugged us about fireworks. Sorry, but Rayne can't stand the sound of me dropping a fork in the sink let alone fireworks right now.
- The upcoming Pagan Pride festival. I keep having these nagging thoughts that everything I've made is shit and won't sell and people are going to make comments about me while I'm there. It's annoying.
- The fact that my husband and I are in debt. I know we always will be, but I'll always hate it.
Like I said, not too much, but enough to count.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A is for Awesome
I feel like such a little kid, but my husband told me he was proud of me yesterday and I glowed like the sun.
He was telling me that the big boss at his job was telling his foreman that he was looking into pulling them off their current construction job to go to Myrtle Beach for two weeks to do a job down there. My husband, being the awesome man that he is, stepped right up and immediately said that he wasn't going to be able to do it. His exact words to me were "There's just no way I could do that to you. Not now, when you're doing so good and have been for a while and you're enjoying Rayne. You're doing so good and I'm so proud of you, I really am."
It means alot because sometimes I can still feel myself slipping. And now, little Miss Rayne is teething (she had two pop through last weekend while we were visiting my mother) which is driving me to the brink with the random crying and constant fussiness. I feel like I've changed - I feel like a mother now and not a caretaker just responsible for a little girl and it's nice to have someone else notice it.
Maybe I'll reward him tonight with something nice... ;) Night all!
He was telling me that the big boss at his job was telling his foreman that he was looking into pulling them off their current construction job to go to Myrtle Beach for two weeks to do a job down there. My husband, being the awesome man that he is, stepped right up and immediately said that he wasn't going to be able to do it. His exact words to me were "There's just no way I could do that to you. Not now, when you're doing so good and have been for a while and you're enjoying Rayne. You're doing so good and I'm so proud of you, I really am."
It means alot because sometimes I can still feel myself slipping. And now, little Miss Rayne is teething (she had two pop through last weekend while we were visiting my mother) which is driving me to the brink with the random crying and constant fussiness. I feel like I've changed - I feel like a mother now and not a caretaker just responsible for a little girl and it's nice to have someone else notice it.
Maybe I'll reward him tonight with something nice... ;) Night all!
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