Welcoming 2011

   So this year, things will be different.

      I will lose the extra baby weight.


  Therapy will work...either that or meds.  :)


               I will tell my mother-in-law to shove when she gets on my nerves (cause she will)


   I will be a better mother for my daughter.




Happy New Year 2011!

Dissecting the Disorder

**From mayoclinic.com**

It's normal to feel anxious from time to time, especially if your life is stressful. However, if you have ongoing anxiety that interferes with day-to-day activities and relationships and makes it hard to enjoy life, you may have generalized anxiety disorder.


Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary in combination and severity. They can include:

• Constant worrying or obsession about small or large concerns
• My biggest one is money. Even if we have a couple hundred in the bank I freak out that something is going to happen.
• Restlessness and feeling keyed up or on edge
• I'm constantly a bundle of nerves. I don't think I have truly relaxed in a long time.
• Fatigue
• This has only been as of late, but I couldn't tell if it was due to just having a baby or something more.
• Difficulty concentrating or your mind "going blank"
• I'm taking online classes and that's hard enough without an actual "classroom" so to not be able tot hink straight is annoying.
• Irritability
• c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y   *TMI - even during sex I can get irritated: it's too hot, the blanket's being moved the wrong way, etc.
• Muscle tension or muscle aches
• My entire back is like a board and my shoulders are where I carry my stress.
• Trembling, feeling twitchy or being easily startled
• I have a wicked facial twitch that started about 6-7 years ago. Now I know where it's from.
• Trouble sleeping
• I could never get to sleep easily and now staying asleep is even harder
• Sweating, nausea or diarrhea
• Enough said
• Shortness of breath or rapid heartbeat
• The rapid heartbeat happens off and on by itself, but when I get angry or upset and start to lose control and yell, I think I may actually go stupid. I can't breathe, my chest is tight, I can't see or think straight and I start to sound like I'm hyperventillating.

There may be times when your worries don't completely consume you, but you still feel anxious even when there's no apparent reason. For example, you may feel intense worry about your safety or that of your loved ones, or you may have a general sense that something bad is about to happen.




What Causes GAD?


The exact cause of GAD is not fully known, but a number of factors -- including genetics, brain chemistry, and environmental stresses -- appear to contribute to its development.

• Genetics: Some research suggests that family history plays a part in increasing the likelihood that a person will develop GAD. This means that the tendency to develop GAD may be passed on in families.
• Brain chemistry: GAD has been associated with abnormal levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. Neurotransmitters are special chemical messengers that help move information from nerve cell to nerve cell. If the neurotransmitters are out of balance, messages cannot get through the brain properly. This can alter the way the brain reacts in certain situations, leading to anxiety.
• Environmental factors: Trauma and stressful events, such as abuse, the death of a loved one, divorce, changing jobs or schools, may lead to GAD. GAD also may become worse during periods of stress. The use of and withdrawal from addictive substances, including alcohol, caffeine, and nicotine, can also worsen anxiety.

The Intro

So I'm not quite sure where to start. There's not really a beginning, there's only a couple of big events leading up to it, the last one being the birth of my daughter.




Rayne



   I've always had a huge temper and little to no patience - and there have been a few times that it's gotten me into trouble. But once I found out I was pregnant I figured when she was born, I would magickally find it. That the maternal instinct would kick in and that she would actually help me out.

   When it didn't happen, I thought "Fine, okay. This will just take a little work on my part and things will be great". And they were...for about 2 weeks. My little girl has had so many problems in her short little life which has caused a lot of stress for both her father and I, but I've beared the brunt being the stay-at-home parent and the one who takes her to the doctor's appointments and check-ups and worries what the outcome will be the next time.  I began to notice a problem when my husband commented on my yelling at her and gently reminded me that she wasn't doing it (crying, wiggling, scratching, etc.) on purpose; that she was a baby. And I knew that, but it became harder and harder to keep my anger in check and I found myself yelling more and more and getting louder and louder each time. It just recently came to a head - after a busy and stressful day I decided to take a shower once we got home. I came out to find her crying which turned into louder crying which turned into wailing and screaming, ending it a lot of yelling and hitting things on my part and almost inconsolable tears on hers. There's also a nice sized hole in our bedroom door because walking away wasn't helping.

    I sent my husband a text, asking him when he would be home and giving little detail on what had happened. The first thing I said to him when he finally did walk through the door was that I needed help. I wasn't sure if it was just an anger problem at this point anymore. I feared post partum depression and the possibility of unintentionally harming my daughter. I did not want to have to take her to the hospital for something and have to tell them I did it. The thought of that and possibly having her taken away from me was too much to take.

   And that's how I ended up in a therapist's office two days later. After a long series of questions and background information, my doctor put down her pen, took off her glasses and with kind look on her face said "Well, Dana, it looks like you have an anxiety disorder. You have every sign, and I mean every sign of one, except the panic attacks and I'm extremely surprised you don't have those."

   I felt a mixture of relief and, of all things, anxiety. I was happy to not have PPD; for me, it would have somehow mean that I was a failure as a mother, especially when my own mother has the patience of a saint and my husband is so great with our daughter. The anxiousness is due to not knowing what happens next. I've never had a "disorder" before or had to go through therapy for anything. It's a new experience and something I haven't quite settled into yet.

   So I guess this is where the beginning will be...