So my first "official" therapy session was this afternoon at 1:00 and I think it went pretty well.
The entire ride there I was nervous and my stomach was in knots because I had to bring Rayne with me. Even though the doctor told me at the last appointment that it wasn't a problem, I was still nervous.
It went well. She refreshed herself on my situation and what brought me there (we hadn't spoken since before Christmas) and set up a goal for me; the main one being to control the anger and immediatly. I still have an anxiety disorder and the anger is from that, and she wants to put me on some medication to help calm me down and then hopefully therapy will do the rest. So my medication evaluation is on February 11 and we'll see how that goes.
And Rayne was the perfect baby the entire time - I had nothing to worry about.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Robbing myself
I've begun to think motherhood has brought out the worst in me. Which is a horrible thought. This is what I wanted, what I cried over, and tried for for months and struggled through 10 months of pregnancy for, but here I am robbing myself of precious moments with my daughter because I can't relax and control my temper.
I look at other mothers who have it rough - and I mean horrible, stressful, absolutely unfair situations, like the mother of Scarlett, whose struggle almost all of us on BBC have become very familar with - and I try to figure out where I get off being the way I am. There are far more serious things we could be going through and how would I ever handle that if I can't get through a simple feeding without having a meltdown.
My poor Rayne is only 3 1/2 months old and I pray she doesn't remember me this way forever.
I look at other mothers who have it rough - and I mean horrible, stressful, absolutely unfair situations, like the mother of Scarlett, whose struggle almost all of us on BBC have become very familar with - and I try to figure out where I get off being the way I am. There are far more serious things we could be going through and how would I ever handle that if I can't get through a simple feeding without having a meltdown.
My poor Rayne is only 3 1/2 months old and I pray she doesn't remember me this way forever.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Parking at Michael's
So we had a meltdown yesterday.
And of course when I say we, I mean me. It started out as a good day. My daughter and I got up, she got fed and went back to sleep, so I started taking care of the house. I even got to take a shower, a LONG, hot shower, without having to worry about rushing out because she was crying. I took down Christmas decorations while she watched, I ATE lunch...it was awesome. Then she fell asleep and I figured it was the perfect time to run to Michael's to grab some Sculpey clay for her ornament. (I ordered one online but apparently it was out of stock and it took them 3 WEEKS to tell me...after Christmas had already passed...but that's a WHOLE other post)
She started getting fussy on the way there so I figured I'd make a bottle once I got there. Nope. As soon, and I mean literally, as soon as I put the car in park she screamed like I dropped her on her head. It was like a switch for me. I immediately put the car in reverse and went back home. There was no way I could walk through the store, feed her and concentrate on what I needed to get. I called my husband yelling into the phone and crying.
I'm just sick of feeling like I'm stuck at home because she freaks out whenver we go somewhere. Like Walmart. Since she was a month and a half old, we have not been able to go to Walmart, any Walmart, without having to change and feed her once we get there. I don't get it. For me, it's just so annoying that I can't go to the store, get what I need to get done, without having to hold her and feed her. And it's not like she's starving - I can finish feeding her minutes before we leave and she still wakes up and gets fussy at the store. Then I feel like all eyes are on me, which makes me nervous and my mind starts to go...I feel like people are staring and thinking I'm a crappy mom because my child is crying or I have to feed her while walking around. It's dumb and irrational, but that's what goes through my head.
Of course, by the time we got home she was asleep. Then the rest of the day went fine. By the time my husband got home we were smiles and grins.
Maybe I'm just bi-polar... lol
And of course when I say we, I mean me. It started out as a good day. My daughter and I got up, she got fed and went back to sleep, so I started taking care of the house. I even got to take a shower, a LONG, hot shower, without having to worry about rushing out because she was crying. I took down Christmas decorations while she watched, I ATE lunch...it was awesome. Then she fell asleep and I figured it was the perfect time to run to Michael's to grab some Sculpey clay for her ornament. (I ordered one online but apparently it was out of stock and it took them 3 WEEKS to tell me...after Christmas had already passed...but that's a WHOLE other post)
She started getting fussy on the way there so I figured I'd make a bottle once I got there. Nope. As soon, and I mean literally, as soon as I put the car in park she screamed like I dropped her on her head. It was like a switch for me. I immediately put the car in reverse and went back home. There was no way I could walk through the store, feed her and concentrate on what I needed to get. I called my husband yelling into the phone and crying.
I'm just sick of feeling like I'm stuck at home because she freaks out whenver we go somewhere. Like Walmart. Since she was a month and a half old, we have not been able to go to Walmart, any Walmart, without having to change and feed her once we get there. I don't get it. For me, it's just so annoying that I can't go to the store, get what I need to get done, without having to hold her and feed her. And it's not like she's starving - I can finish feeding her minutes before we leave and she still wakes up and gets fussy at the store. Then I feel like all eyes are on me, which makes me nervous and my mind starts to go...I feel like people are staring and thinking I'm a crappy mom because my child is crying or I have to feed her while walking around. It's dumb and irrational, but that's what goes through my head.
Of course, by the time we got home she was asleep. Then the rest of the day went fine. By the time my husband got home we were smiles and grins.
Maybe I'm just bi-polar... lol
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Exercise away the stress
Don't know if it works or not, but we'll try it. My first therapy session isn't until January 19th and I'm getting worse and worse at controlling my temper and on top of everything else I'm worried/stressed/pissed off about, the left over baby weight isn't helping.
So here are the starting stats:
Weight: 174
Hips: 43 1/2
Waist: 35 1/2
Bust: 39
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