"Is she safe?"

   This is the question that was repeated over and over again at my last doctors visit. I called in an emergency appointment because I felt like something wasn't working anymore and I was slipping.


    I've been having a hard time dealing with my daughter and it's gotten to the point that I'm worried I'll hurt her - actually not worried, scared I will hurt you. I'm not gentle enough as it is with her and I've already spanked her through her diaper and she's only 6 months old....WAY too young for any of this.

   So I went in and told my doctor simply that I was afraid I'd hurt her. Not on purpose of course, but that I would do something and before I realized what I was doing she'd be in pain. The topic of him having to call CPS or DSS came up and I lost it...he told me not to bullshit him and if she wasn't safe, he needed to know.


  She is safe - honestly. I've never left a mark or a bruise or a cut or whelp. Nothing like that. And I'm not about to Andria Yates my 6 month old into the bathtub either. I was simply telling him the thoughts to go over and spank or slap her to get her to stop crying were getting stronger and I wanted to get that taken care of as quickly as possible.

               So he gave me more drugs. Here's the dosage of everything now:

Celexa 20mg x1 daily

Lamictal x1 daily  *New drug*

Klonopin 1mg x2 daily *Upped dosage*

Saphris 5mg x1 at night