One, is the happy, smiling first-time-mom to the cutest little girl with the kissable chubby cheeks that everyone fawns over wherever we go. The one whose proud to show her off and carry her around in public and have everyone see just how perfect a thing we made.
The other, is someone who feels like sometimes she's losing her mind and wants nothing to do with the small baby I waited and wanted for so long. The woman who is resisting the urge to go and slap a 6-month old child or shake her to stop her from crying all because it's irritating the shit out of me.
And I have done that - I've slapped my daughter's hands and legs, mostly during feedings, because she's squirming and I want her to stop. I've spanked her lightly through her diaper because she's wriggling around on the changing table as I'm trying to put her diaper on. And logically, I know this is wrong - this shouldn't be happening. I should not be doing this to something so precious and so young. But emotionally, I can't deal with it - emotionally I don't care at the moment wether I hurt her until it's too late and she's already crying hysterically until the point she throws up - which only perpetuates the cycle by pissing me off even more.
However, let me just say this - I have never hit my daughter with a closed fist; never slapped her across the face; never left a bruise or a red mark or a cut or whelp; I have never picked anything up to hit her with. But tonight I had the urge to walk over and kick her swing; with her in it all because she wouldn't go to sleep. (She's been having problems for the past week going to sleep. She's now back in her swing instead of the crib again).
So once again, I ask, will this child's real mother please stand up and be a mom to a perfect little girl?
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